i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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