I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
try to milk me bitch
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