i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
