I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
