I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize