i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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