just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
