hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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