If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
