You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
