Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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