Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
