She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
