So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
