my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
