If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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