proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
