i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
