There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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