my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
