forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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