You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
