Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
