the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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