So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize