Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
