I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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