Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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