You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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