at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
