Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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