he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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