Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
