Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
