It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
