it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
