Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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