i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
