if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
