i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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