I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
