I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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