we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
