im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
