when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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