i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
