I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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