Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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