FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
