did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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