so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
