Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize