What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
