I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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