I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
