U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i need some magic done to my vagina
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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