i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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