apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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