so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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