There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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