i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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