I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
