we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize