You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
