Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
