i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
