The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
