hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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