Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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