Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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