Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
