so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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