I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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